The To-Do List Conundrum: Stress and Success

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! It's 5:00 am. As I lay in bed, I begin the daily debate of hitting the gym or the snooze. Snooze wins. BEEP! BEEP! It's 5:15 am and I could get up now and get in 45 minutes of cardio before work but my body just wants to rest. So in round two of stair-climber versus slumber, sleep wins again. 6:30 am Time to get up. I make some breakfast, get ready for work and...sigh...with guilt I change AM Workout to PM Workout on my to-do list. I know that I probably won't be up for going to the gym after work, but at this point in the day I'm optimistic this will...okay, might get crossed off. 

There's no greater feeling than crossing something off the to-do list. Each night I make a list for the following day. I plan out errands I need to accomplish, meals for the day, and hourly schedule. When I was in 6th grade, I remember my dad gave me a big yellow legal pad and taught me the importance of making lists like this. At first I hated writing down the chores I had to complete but now it's become a hobby.

As Ice Cube once rapped, "Life ain't a track meet, it's a marathon", and lately I've felt disappointed in myself when I can't keep up in this race. My energy level isn't quite up to par and with all that's going on inside internally, it frustrates me when it affects me externally. I know that I have great expectations for myself, but maybe I'm setting the bar too high some days. As my mother reminds me, my body is fighting against a disease, and the result of that is going to be fatigue.  Although I fight to accept it - it's more than okay to take the time I need to relax. Adding stress to that mix, especially my self imposed stress of completing this daily to-do list, does not help. So the "The List" has been modified. I stick to a few things I want to accomplish for the week and don't make an hourly schedule for myself. I still write down what I eat because it helps me focus on eating healthier (and I'm obsessed with food). So if I don't accomplish a 5 am workout these days, that's okay because I know that I'm at least crossing off "make health and sleep a priority".

Beauty and the ileostomy Beast

A few weeks ago one of my all time favorite movies was released on DVD, Beauty & the Beast. How can you not love this movie? I actually hate that I love it so much.

My family thinks it's hilarious.

The reason they get a kick out of me and this animated film is that I actually can't even talk about...or think about without sobbing... the opening where the witch turns the Prince into the Beast and the scene ends with the line, "For who could ever learn to love a beast?". 



Yes, I'm crying right now. It's sad, okay? WHO could love a beast? WHO?!? Okay, obviously Belle could in the end but it took me awhile to believe this could potentially happen when a talking French candlestick is inviting unwanted peeps to stay for dinner, teacups are complaining about bedtimes, and an overly emotional armoire is suggesting someone wear daffodil-yellow during winter.

I digress. At the end of the day, the movie has a powerful message that I have to embrace for myself: It's what's on the inside that counts.  Easier said then done, Walt.

I have a lot in common with the story's main character. I have an obsession with a mirror, confidence issues, wilting flowers in my studio, and friends who put up with my mood swings. However, I see myself becoming even more "Beastly" once I have my ilieostomy in December.  When I first googled what an ileostomy and colostomy pouch looked like, I found it to very jarring, weird, and upsetting. As my surgeon described, "You probably won't win a bikini contest". I kept thinking about how long it would take me to look at my body and feel somewhat like a Belle.

It's when I realized how caught up I was getting in my appearance that I had to step back. Honestly, I have never been completely happy with my appearance, nor will I ever be (surgery or not), and who the heck is? Just because my body isn't perfect doesn't mean that I can't find happiness. There's a really great quote from my Don't Sweat the Small Stuff calendar that helped me achieve this ah-ha moment, "Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."  Okay, so I won't ever be asked to pose for Playboy but with this ileostomy I could go read a Playboy (or some more appropriate periodical) on the beach in a cute J.Crew one-piece without worries or urgent need of a restroom. Pretty soon we'll see if this fairy tale will comes true and Jiminy Cricket... I hope it does.

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing.

Did you know that there are 9 million bicycles in Beijing, that they put Tabasco^® Sauce on pizza in Mexico, and that the Walleye is the State Fish of Minnesota?  Yep, these are all just a few random factoids that I never knew until I met Dave.

In terms of smiles, Dave has the BEST I have ever seen. It's like a baby bunny sniffing a flower. I could be having the worst day or the worst week, and I see this big, genuine smile…my worries melt away and I feel at ease. It’s why I keep a picture of Dave and his goofy grin next to my Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Calendar at work. 

They say time flies when you are having fun. Well if that’s the case, then time must be traveling at the speed of light since we started dating about four years ago.  Dave has taught me a lot about myself and has motivated me to keep going when I just wanted to give up. His jokes, fun factoids, obession with what states a person has traveled to, and curiosity of what one has had for dinner have made me laugh even in when I was in the worst pain.

Despite my worrisome nature and health flaws, Dave loves me. How or why am I so lucky? I will never understand, but I'm fortunate to have him in my life...and that's a fact.

9021-woah!

I'm addicted to E! E! news that is...and tabloids, people.com, DWTS and anything/everything celebrity related. I find the lives of Hollywood's elite so fascinating.

I have been doing a lot of research to understand more about life with an ostomy and this past week I discovered that actress, Shannen Doherty, suffers from Crohn's disease. In an interview around 1999, Shannen described the unappealing nature of this disease. "There's nothing sexy about a woman saying, 'I have to go to the bathroom right now'". 

Trust me. There truly isn't.

There's also nothing sexy about going to the bathroom repeatedly during a first date, using the men's bathroom because the women's is occupied, or having an accident at party, in your car, or during school. It's the most unsexy feeling in the world. You feel dirty, like your body is out of control, and frustrated. However it's in these moments that I've discovered that I have people in my life who truly care about me. That amazingly wouldn't think twice to help me in these embarrassing situations. That washed my jeans, cleaned the interior of my Jeep, and hugged me.

What I wanted to tell them after these incidents was similar to what Brenda told Brandon in an early 90210 episode, "No matter how crazed and bent out of shape I ever got, you were always there for me and I'll never forget it. You really are my best friend." So to all my "Brandons" out there, I'm very grateful God put you in my zipcode.

Salads, Seat Belts and Other Things That Scare Me

October is upon us and the reminder that Halloween is just around the corner is well...actually the annual reappearance of the costume store on the corner of Belmont and Sheffield. Another reminder is the abundance of horror movies that are released and promoted in every other commercial this time of year.

I hate scary movies. The closest you can get me to watch a film of this nature is Disney's The Nightmare Before Christmas (and that's only if you hold my hand during all scenes and musical numbers in Halloween Town).

However, I would rather be handcuffed to a chair and watch the Exorcist then do any of the following:

1. Eat a salad: Would love to be one of those people who is a slave to the cafeteria salad bar at lunchtime or orders off of the vast, delicious menu of green goodness at Panera. Unfortunately my digestive system can't handle veggies that well... Caesar Salad = Texas Chainsaw Massacre of abdominal pain.
2. Take a plane, train, or automobile: Yes, I understand that due to safety precautions, airlines must have a strict policy when it comes to remaining in your seat with one's belt fastened. However, the thought of sharing a confined space and bathroom with 200-300 other people during a limited amount of time where passengers are "free to move about the cabin" is dreadful. Thanks to the beverage cart and turbulence, my stomach is usually shifting along with the contents of the overhead bin. Trains are a little scary too...especially if it's the El which does not have bathrooms (Amtrak does thank goodness). Put me on the Blue Line with a Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte, and I will come after you like Jason. Cars are usually fine for the most part (except on fiver hour long car rides or rush hour traffic). Talk about road rage.  
3. Attend an event involving large crowds: You say Lollapalooza, and I say Looong-line-for-the-bathroom-eww-nah(?). I don't care if Lady Gaga were to dedicate Bad Romance to me. I will probably poke somebody in the face if I have to compete with everyone in the Chicago-land area and their mother for the port-o-potties.

So there you have it - my top three worst nightmares...for now. What's ironic is that after December 2nd with my Crohn's in control, these "tricks" might soon be "treats".  In the words of Jack Skellington, "Eureka! This year, Christmas will be - OURS!"